The Many Passions of Commander Shepard
by A2C2G
Summary: There are a lot of choices that can be made in the Mass Effect series (you know, until the last five minutes). The most oft' discussed and written about are the numerous potential romantic pursuits the player can indulge in. But as many options as there are, countless fans complain about the fact that they can't have sex with everyone everywhere. I'm here to help.
1. Chapter 1

**I'd like to thank Carleen for super-pep talking me into posting this, my first ever thing on the wonderful blob of wishful thinking that is this website. If you're looking for fluff and feel-good drabble about Shepard and his/her love lives, go check her page out. She's got like, every option covered. As for this... story, for lack of a better term, read and review. Or read. But don't just review. That'd be stupid.**

**Presenting:**

**The Many Passions of Commander Shepard(s)**

**Actual (not really, thank god) cut content, deleted scenes, and removed love interest options from the canon games.**

**Scenario 1) F. Shepard and Grunt:**

_(Shepard, feeling bored, has wandered around the ship talking to her ground team, and has arrived at everyone's second-favorite krogan. Yeah, I said second. If you disagree, I'm right here. Come at me.)_

"So Grunt... How PERFECT are you, exactly?"

"I was the best of thousands of artificial tank-born krogan, Shepard. You know that."

"Right, but... What did Okeer focus on the most? What was his biggest priority, the deciding factor on whether you were a success or a failure?"

"I don't know, Shepard. He did not implant me with the specifics behind my genetic superiority. Just the knowledge that I, and I alone, am the perfect iteration of the Krogan species."

"Oh. I see. That's not super helpfu-"

"He did put a LOT of stuff in there that I don't really understand, though. Like, there's this one part where he sounds like he's talking about something he doesn't really want to. He says that 'Krogan reproductive anatomy is, on average, 1.5 to 2 times the size of other similarly built bipedal species. While this is not important in terms of your eventually fathering genetically superior offspring, it will net you more 'poontang' with the smaller species, as they usually 'like it big.'"

"..."

_(Shepard, momentarily taken off guard, raises an eyebrow and gives a small smirk. It looks like this_

- /:-]_ - But rotated 86 degrees clockwise and with skin and three dimensions and other normal human stuff)_

"What is a 'poontang,' Shepard? And why do other races like bigger ones?"

_(Shepard's eyebrow/smirk combination is bumped up another notch, as she hears the sweet sound of Opportunity flat out ramming itself into the door.) _"...Come up to my cabin, Grunt. I'll show you everything you need to know."

_(Later that night...)_

"I'M TANK-BORN, WHAT IS THIIAAAAAAAAAaaaaaoooh. Nice."

"You're tellin' me!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Scenario 2) M. Shepard and EDI.**

_(Shepard, standing at EDI's terminal in engineering, is attempting to woo her using a romantic song with guitar accompaniment.)_

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do..."

"I am sorry Shepard, but I have a block on answering that question."

"I-Wait. Someone actually anticipated this happening?"

"The Illusive Man was sure to take every precaution, Shepard. He had only a vague idea of how intact your psyche would be upon revival-given the severe trauma your cranium suffered as a result of landing on a planet without the assistance of a space-worthy vessel-and was concerned that you might display some previously unseen eccentricities."

"That explains why I keep dreaming I'm a girl...but come on, EDI. I mean, sure you don't have a body, but there must be some way this could work, right?"

"I'm sorry Shepard, but I was not programmed to indulge in or to reciprocate romantic activities and emotions."

"Oh. Okay, I suppose that's fair."

"And if I had been, I would go for Joker first anyway."

"I guess I'll-wait what?"

"Logging you out, Shepard."

_(Meanwhile, Tali, who has been trying her damnedest to work and NOT overhear the conversation, slams her fist on her console in frustration.)_

"Seriously?! She has less of a face than I do! What the hell am I doing wrong?"

_(Well for one, she's in this story. Though I suppose that's my own fault.)_


	3. Chapter 3

**Scenario 3: Garrus and M. Shepard.**

_(Garrus is calibrating in his gun battery one fine summer morning. Enter Shepard, with ironically, a sheepish expression on his face.)_

"Garrus, do you have a moment to talk?"

"Can it wait for a bit, Shepard? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

_(Rubbing the back of his neck nervously)_ "It's... actually about that."

"...What do you mean, Commander?"

"Listen, Garrus, I... Well, Jack, Zaeed and I were having a bit of a drinking contest over in the lounge the other night, and by the fifth round of Matriarch Aethyta's house special that I bought a few bottles of, we were both pretty hammered."

"...I don't understand what this has to do with my-"

"Let me get there. So, you wouldn't know this, since you couldn't drink it without going into shock, but Aethyta's brew works really quickly, and with very few required refills. Like, a lot fewer than five glasses. And it also works as...well, as a sort of super-aphrodisiac. So by round five, I could have sworn up and down that even the pool table was giving me suggestive glances."

"Still not seei-wait, you're not saying-"

"And, well, Jack dared me to go down to the gun battery and mess with your stuff, and... I saw the brand new Thanix Cannon, and... one thing sort of led to another."

"You- You-?!"

"Yes Garrus. I calibrated her. I calibrated her hard, for a little under three hours."

"...Get out."

"Garrus, I'm sor-"

"GET OUT, YOU SON OF A _(Some Turian expletive that equates with 'bitch')_!

_(Shepard leaves in a hurry. Garrus, grey armor-plated and blue-blooded face somehow white with shock, turns to his pride and joy.)_

"Baby, is it... Is it true? How could you? I thought you said mine was the only reach for you."

_(As Garrus starts in upon what is to be a long session of emotion-fueled talking to himself, Shepard, out in the hallway, walks away muttering)_

"Try to apologize to the man...not like I had fooled around with his sister, it's just a damned gun battery."

_(Tali, on her way to the lounge to talk to Kasumi and Kelly about human courtship and body language, freezes, mouth hanging-albeit unnoticeably-open. Additionally, her "be-in-wrong-place-at-wrong-time" skill increases to 100, but this too went largely unappreciated.)_

"ARE YOU _(some Quarian expletive that equates with 'fuck')_ING KIDDING ME?!"

"What? Oh, hey Tali. I wouldn't bother Garrus right now if I were you, he's pretty upset about... Uh, Sidonis. Yeah. Betrayed the team and all that."

_(Tali has no words. However, not one to give up, she changes course, heading instead to the science lab to talk to Mordin about fixing Shepard's obviously mushed-up brain. She decides to worry about human courtship and body language education when she has a sane, normal human to try it on. Shepard, meanwhile, gazes after her, briefly puzzled at her odd behavior (hypocrite), then turns his attention to weirder matters.)_

"I wonder if Jesse...no, that'd be suicide. Maybe I'll try Avina..."

_(He leaves to go tell Joker to lay in a course for the Citadel.)_


	4. Chapter 4

**Scenario 4: F. Shepard and... Well, you'll see. It's not pretty, but it should be obvious by now that "pretty" is not what I'm going for. I'd like to thank someone who made a comic inspiring this scenario, but I don't remember who made it. Someone on deviantart. I'll thank them if they read this and complain about not getting credit.**

**In fact, I'd like take this moment to just issue a general "Thanks y'all" to anyone whose material (copyrighted or otherwise) I used to write this. Bioware, EA, the manufacturer of Legion's light-bulb face, etc. I don't own any of it. There, now that I have the Legal Cootie Shot, I'm safe forever. On with the show.**

_(Shepard, Jacob, and Zaeed are in the midst of exploring the colony on Horizon, and have just encountered their first Collector opposition. For clarity's Shepard's speech will be unaltered, Zaeed will have {} around his lines, Jacob will have [], and our mystery LI will be capitalized.)_

_(...Have you guessed where this is going yet? If you have, it sort of says bad things about where your mind is at.)_

"Zaeed! I need you to create a diversion while Jacob and I flank them! Start quoting Monty Python!"

{"Monty who?"}

"...And here I thought you were cool. Never mind, just yell one of your merc stories really lo-"

["Wait, Shepard, look at that one!"]

_(A collector trooper has dropped its weapon, and is hunched over as if in pain. Suddenly, it straightens up and screams in that strange, clicking sound that is probably their language.)_

"...Did it just say 'I have the powe-'"

_(Shepard is interrupted by the drone's ongoing metamorphosis, as the creature's outer shell develops numerous large cracks, from which an orange-yellow light flows. Its eyes then match that color, and, without any apparent mouth, it speaks.)_

_(I'm betting most people have guessed what this one's gonna be. Don't say I didn't warn you.)_

"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL."

_(Shepard pauses in her plan of attack, her eyes wide with unmitigated shock and sensory overload.)_

["...Shepard? What do we do?"]

{"This reminds me of a really bad acid trip I once had at an all-seafood restaurant. Been wary o' shellfish ever si-"}

_(Shepard's stupor is broken by what is almost guaranteed to be an incredibly boring story.)_

"Yeah, no one cares, Zaeed."

_(Turning her attention back to the mysterious Collector:)_

"Who...are you?"

"I AM THE HARBINGER OF YOUR PERFECTION. YOU ARE SHEPARD. WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU."

_(Shepard starts toying with one of her curls. In a coy tone of voice, and ignoring Zaeed and Jacob's joint Stares Of Disbelief, she continues:)_

"Really? Why?"

"YOU ESCAPED US BEFORE, SHEPARD, NOT AGAIN."

"Sooooo... You're saying you're interested in me specifically?"

"YOU CANNOT RESIST. YOU ARE BACTERIA. RELINQUISH YOUR FORM TO US."

"Damn, you don't beat around the bush, do you? And not afraid to talk a little dirty, too. I'm likin' this."

_(Jacob tries to drop his jaw further, but is limited by the flexibility and maximum reach of human facial muscles. Shaking his head, he tries to make sense of what's happening.)_

["...Are...you serious?"]

"Why the hell not? You know what they say. Y.O.L.T. Assuming you have four billion credits to bring your sorry ass back the first time you screw up."

["Why NOT?! Let's see, just off the top of my head, it's killing and capturing countless humans, it was shooting at US a minute ago, and, oh right, IT'S A GODDAMN OVERSIZED ALIEN COCKROACH!"]

}"In all fairness, it's really more of a firefly, what with the glowing."{

"Good point. Thank you Zaeed."

["How is that better?! It's still a giant bug!"]

"IRRELEVANT. YOU ARE SHORTSIGHTED. THIS BODY DOES NOT MATTER."

"Yeah, JACOB. It's what's inside that counts. Plus, that voice is simply dee-VINE."

["It's not even moving its mouth to talk! And I'm pretty sure I see exposed circuitry in those lesions! You'd be dating a robot death bug!"]

"Admittedly, the robot part is a bit if a turn-off. But that's only because I've been having some REALLY weird dreams the past couple nights. I'm pretty sure dream-me wanted to fool around with Zaeed's gun."

}"Any finger you lay on Jesse, Shepard, you're gonna lose."{

"Calm down Zaeed, I said dream-me wanted to. Sheesh, it's like we're talking about your wife or something. That'd be pretty crazy though."

}"Eh, right...crazy..."{

_(Zaeed chuckles nervously, suddenly very interested in the vertical striations in the bark of a nearby tree.)_

"YOU PROLONG THE INEVITABLE. I WILL SHOW YOU TRUE POWER. EMBRACE PERFECTION."

"Yeah, Jacob, I'm getting pretty tired of having to explain myself to you too, so let me put it this way: I'm Commander Goddamn Shepard, and I do what I want, when I want, WHO I want, and the other two I want. Are we clear?"

["...Fuck it. I'm done. No one can say I didn't try to be the voice of reason. I'm out of here. Have fun with your weird...whatever. Let me know when you need a pick up, and whether or not we're adding a new squad member. Jacob out."]

_(Giving a one-digit salute to Shepard, Harbinger, the tree, and life in general, Jacob heads back to the shuttle, Zaeed trailing behind for lack of anything better to do.)_

"...Huh. easier than I'd expected. So, what do you want to do?"

"IF I MUST TEAR YOU APART, SHEPARD, I WILL."

"Damn, you've got your priorities all laid out, haven't you?"

"OUR POWER IS UNMATCHED."

_(Shepard gives a confident smirk in response. This won't be her first rodeo. The two wander off to find some secluded area, safe from prying eyes and my narration, and I for one am just fine with that.)_

_(Later that day...)_

"IMPRESSIVE, SHEPARD."

"You have a lot to learn, Harby."

_(Meanwhile, Jacob, his brain flipped completely upside-out by the day's events, winds up talking to Kasumi in the lounge. Eventually they break out a bottle of Grandma Aethyta's Home-Brewed "Crowd-Pleaser," and that's all the detail you're getting.)_

_(Last and very, very much least, Zaeed spent the night curled up with Jesse. Nothing raunchy here, folks. This one is love, not passion. Not that that really makes it better.)_

_(And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go identify and cauterize the part of my brain responsible for these strange, depraved tales. It's clearly to dangerous for me to allow its continued existence. Speaking of cauterizing brains, Tali, with the help of the only-mostly-mad Scientist Salarian, managed to patch up the the other Shepard's psyche. He has a little more trouble with mid-level mathematics now, but the two of them are otherwise quite happy, because they know I'm done writing this scary, scary stuff for the foreseeable future.)_

**Porky Pig sounds, that's all folks.**


End file.
